Overwhelmed and hurt.

These doctors appointments have REALLY caught up to me.

I have been putting off blogging about this but there is just so many emotions still built up within me I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I guess no one can really say what's right and wrong in this world, some just have different ways of dealing with emotions and my way just happens to be getting it out on paper (or in this case a blog) that way I feel at ease. 

A lot of people go through the joy and excitement with their spouse upon finding out they're pregnant and knowing that you both are going to be parents in the next coming months.

I didn't get that feeling before it was taken away from me. I had a miscarriage. 

If you've read my previous posts you know my husband and I were trying for a baby and I was seeing a GYN for that to see what was wrong with my cycle and she wouldn't give me my Papsmear because some women's cycles are just irregular and we were "too young" to have children.

Before having my miscarriage, I had been having what I thought was a 3 week period starting on January 9th.

The night of my miscarriage I found out it was definitely not my period, it was something much more serious, and when it happened I went to the hospital and what came out of me in hand. I thought it might have been a cyst come out.

They had me do a urine test first and determined I was definitely pregnant but wanted to see if I had lost the baby. They did a sonogram and I had. They did not have to do a DNC because I had passed most of it on my own, but over the next week I would pass the rest. From my periods being so irregular and me trying to miscarry for so long they couldn't tell how far along I was, but by me telling them when my husband left for California they we're able to say about 6 weeks range of conception.

I was scheduled for a follow up to make sure my hormone levels went down, discharged and sent home.

All the while my husband is in California in school. 

He doesn't know we're pregnant and we definitely were trying. I'm about to have to tell him we "were" pregnant, but we lost it all in one phone call.

Now my husband is not very good with emotions. He was taught while growing up to comfort the woman and never show his weak side.

Once I tell him he says, "We will deal with this when I get back, just stay calm. Everything will be ok and we will get through this and figure out how to get you healthy."

Of course my hormones are EVERYWHERE so I'm bawling on the phone wanting him home that very minute not being a very supportive wife. 

I get my act together though and make it through that final week and he comes home. 

I pick him up from the airport and it's so emotional. I want to be ecstatic to see him and jump in his arms, but at the same time I want to run to him and curl up in his shoulder and cry. 

Once we're home I see the emotion come through my husband. He's devastated but doesn't show it the way I do. I have crying spells throughout the day (probably from the hormones and sadness) but I can hear sadness in his voice. I know he was upset about the baby, but he told me "When are you going to get over this sweetie? I don't like seeing you upset and crying all the time."

Now of course that made me mad too because it seemed like he just wanted me to get over it and move on, but he reassured me that's not it, he just wants to move forward, not necessarily forget. 

 I'm slowly getting there. It's been about 4 weeks since it happened. 

I think about it, but I don't dwell on it.

When they had me go to all my check ups to make sure my hormones were dropping I was scheduled for one every week for 3 weeks, and then the last one I requested they check all my blood counts and levels. When they did they found out I was vitamin B12 deficient and they put me on the injection. I will have to be on it for 6 months and starting out you do it everyday so I chose to self-inject.

My husband is concerned my health had something to do with us maybe losing the baby because my diet plan is non existent and I obviously lacked B12 as well. Once I get on the right track toward getting healthy and staying healthy we're going to try again.

I know everything happens for a reason and God is working in mine and my husband's lives.

It still doesn't ease the pain. I know many people have had several while trying and I can't even imagine the pain they feel. But then again they're are women who haven't had any and think it's no big deal. I can reassure those women it is DEFINITELY a big deal and we are hurting inside. A part of us was lost no matter how far along in the pregnancy you were, regardless of whether you knew or didn't know your were.

To those that have miscarried, I am truly sorry for your loss as I know now how it feels to lose something so special.